"I have the heart of a ten year-old boy..... sitting in a jar on my
"Drop babies not bombs"(John Moore)
"Oh God..This monstrosity can not be my child!"(My mother)
"All I have to do is die and live before I die, what I do up till then
is up to me"(I FORGET BUT I LIKE TO SAY IT A LOT)
"Remember, no matter where you go.... there you are." (Buckaroo
" There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and
so on. " -- (Robert Byrne)
" The important thing in life is to never stop imagining."
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and
I'm not sure about the former."(-- Albert Einstein)
"Jesus Christ who dropped a bomb in the bathroom? My God the dogs are
afraid to go near the door!" (Cheryl)
"Some people say I'm wishy-washy, maybe I am and maybe I'm
"You're to drunk to skate home here take my truck" (Monica
" No, actually I'm rude and he's annoying." (Brad Keller
referring to me, after some Jerk went off on us at a movie.)
"WOMAN: soft, warm and EVIL!" (Mike Ethridge)
"A man without a gun is a fool with a bullet in his head."(Dwayne
"Who am I? Who is anybody I think it was John Paul Satre who said: How
do you spell Satre? What are you hitting me for? He is going to cut off my
(Fitze Hume, Chevy Chase "Spies Like Us")
"Music is the greatest form of communication. It possesses the
information of language, the emotion of poetry, the creativity of art and the
passion of love. "(-P. O'Brien 2/5/97)
'You just couldn't understand the life I live I mean with the body of a
Grecian god and the brain of a 6th grader my life is a living hell!"(John
"Slur...Where did my vine and wodka go!?!"(Shitty assed Paul)
"People are often blinded by their vision." (My dad, John Moore
"The stupid neither forgive nor forget the naive forgive and forget
the wise forgive but do not forget!"
A friend: "So John when are you going to graduate?"
A friend: "Cool me to, I can't wait, only one semester to go.
Me: "I didn't say of what year."
"I'm so whooooooo...sy"(Mike Ethridge, any time Mike gives in to
"The arch chancellor polished his staff as he walked along. It was a
particularly good one, six feet long, and quite magical. Not that he used magic
very much. In his experience anything that couldn't be disposed of with a
couple of whacks from six feet of oak was probably immune to magic."(Terry
(Stretch) John, you could have used the front door
(me) I'd rather climb the wall
As I stand with my skates on I often hear these words spoken.
"How did you get here?"
and then I am always forced to answer.
"Does he really drink bleach?"(A question posed by many that meet
"Look at him"(Mike Ethridge's reply)
"Sorry about that I got kicked in the head by a horse this weekend (Me
when I say something stupid)
"I prefer lemon scented bleach it leaves my pallet feeling
"It was just a really pretty meadow" (Melissa Forsyth)
"John, you have the tact of a ruptured cat"(Mark Hoover)
"HA HA HA, how would you like to limp away from here?"(One of my
"You know John, I really am going to kill you"(Mike Ethridge)
"Mom, did you put mushrooms in the spaghetti?"
"Uhm yes why?"
"ARGH!! I hate mushrooms, I have hated mushrooms for 23 years!!"
"Pick them out then"
"GRRRRrrrrr"(a discussion between my mother and I every time she
"You are the sexiest jock on the planet"(some random girl driving
buy on Halloween, I was dressed all gothy with purple hair, go figure)"
"My home page is so /Buttery/"(John Moore)
Me: "I suddenly don't feel so well"
Mike: "That's cause you ate honey that had roach eggs in it."
Me: "Oh yeah, that's right"
"What is wrong with you? I got kicked in the head by steal-toed boots
but you? I just don't understand..."(Goth Girl)
"You are just a cyst on the ass of life, oozing with crap, running
down into the butt-crack of the world"(Steve R.)
"My life would be so much happier if you were dead"(Mike
Ethridge, a daily quote, see 35 ways...)
"All noodles, should taste like Ramen noodles"(Me, a realization
I came to after I made spaghetti with ramen noodles.)
"She was flooded with copious amounts of my semen frequently, so
obviously she knew me very well." (--Monkey Boy Out of context '98,
referring to an X-girl friend)
"I would rather be trapped in a room and ripped apart by a lion than
psychologically tortured by a pig" (--The Monkmeister, trying to explain
his phobia of pigs.)
While using the old geek mind trick..."I'm not the geek you're looking
for" (Me, used on many a bully to avoid a solid pummeling)
"Voice mail, a laugh a minute" (<--Monkey boy, said at work
when things were a bit slow.)
"What can we do to make my feelings change for you...? Well, I think
castration, a few doses of high voltage shock, and a few boots to the head
should do it. (Me)
"I'm just pissed at myself for being so stupid" (Me)
"If his dick isn't 11 and a half inches long then I'll suck his cock,
but if it is then he's gonna face fuck him!! (Pointing to Mike and shouting at
Casey Moore's)" (Chris G.)
"She wasn't the only girlfriend I've peed on" (Chris G)
"He's the crazy guy that talks to the tree." (Suzanne from Casey
Moore's, this is how she introduces me)
"The tree says you should order another beer." (Suzanne from
Casey Moore's, referring to the -scary- poltergeist tree)
"I'll have one of those 'White'-Castle beers (slur)" (Chris G.
trying to order a New Castle)
"If you fuck with me I'll kick your ass!" (Tami, my supervisor
when I was contemplating throwing her into a pool.)
"Yeah, she was crazy. I should have known better than to date a bald
girl." (Chris G.)
"Why do you get off on being an asshole?" (Linda to me)
"Hey, I know what it was, God just gave me a titty twister!" (Me
after getting hit in the nipple by a piece of hail)
"I'm not use to seeing you in the day light" (Allisa the Pol)
"I'm wearing a lot of sun tan lotion" (My answer)
Some Girl: "Wow, that's a great Brandon Lee costume"
Me: "Uhm, I'm not wearing a costume but thanks."(A conversation
between myself and some girl on Halloween, I love that day!)
"96 beers? And 20 people? That's not even enough beer to give me
gas!" (My comment when management came up with a new way to motivate us.)
"You know what you need to do!?! Pull your head out of your
ass!!" (Something a very very very angry man said to me after I sort of
cut him off in Flagstaff, I'm sure his wife was very impressed with his show of
"Your Friend is mildly illiterate" (A friend of the Goth girl,
Charles, said this after reading my hompage)
"You cause Bad dreams" (Chris said this after I attacked the
plant on his desk with a hammer and he was plagued with dreams about me and
killing his pets)
"I am disturbed on multiple levels" (Mike after numerous things I
have done or said)
"Underneath your unpleasant exterior you're probably very nice...but
that's unconfirmed"(Melissa trying to compliment me after she ditched me
yet another time)
Monica pulling her shirt down: "Look at what your cat did to me"
My answer after ogling her thoroughly: "Oh my god it stole you
" There is something to be said for paying more than 3 dollars for a
bottle of Champagne" (Me, New years day
suffering from a hell of a hang over, we had 14 bottles of Champaign at my
house for a net worth of $42, ugh!)
"Come on, you come from Chicago, you know about farm
stuff..."(Cherri at work, I still haven't the foggiest of ideas what she
is talking about.)
"I'm pretty Fly for the light side" (Me, after I announced that I
was a Dark Jedi to all my friends, who promptly laughed, not the happy HA-Ha
John's such a card laugh, more like the oh god now we have to deal with
"unstable boy" trying to choke us fro m across the room, or shoot
lightning out of his fingers laugh...)
"Damn it John, you don't have control over the Dark side...ouch!"
(Jenny at lunch with me, she kept trying to tell me how I'm not a dark Jedi and
strange enough the more she said it, the more often she hit her elbow against
the wall! Her lack of faith was disturbing)
"It's backwards and retarded, just like John" (Jenny comparing
the gift I made her to me, she's sweet eh?
Me: "Hey look at that sign it's backwards"
Jen: "And stupid just like you"
(a comment made by Jen when I was showing her buddy Kyle Tempe...)
Greg: "You look like the devil when you do that"
Me: "Have you ever seen the devil?"
Greg: "Yeah, and he looks a lot like you" (4/12 at work, I forget
what I was doing)
"Have you been drinking?" (Stretch, 80% of the times I see him,
and 90% of those my answer is no)
Some guy: "Are you in a band."
Some guy: "Oh really? What do you play."
Some Guy: "oh cool, how long have you played for?"
Me: "About...3 days"(4/16 a conversation at a bar, which ended with
the guy just giving me one of those common, /Anti-john/ looks)
"You're retarded" (George's response to my announcement of Eich
"For a boy friend or fiancé, it's expected that you give up your
friends, and it's ok when you give up your family but God damn it you can't
give up fucking Star Wars!! You can get another fiancé but Star Wars is a once
in a lifetime event!! (At Monica's house when she told me that she wouldn't be
going with me to see Star Wars Episode I 5/14)
"Every time I eat my spaghetti-O's, I eat my words" (Mike
Ethridge while listening to Linda complaining about gay rights 5/16)
Linda: "That makes me sound like I'm against gay rights"
Me and Mike laughing: "Yeah it does." (In Mike's room after I read
off the above quote 5/16)
"It's twice as big, but smaller" (Mike explaining how big a dog
is, this also displays Mike's excellent grasp on hypocrisy 5/16)
"#1) I don't like you." (5/24 What my online girl friend needs to
reference from time to time)
"#2) I don't necessarily dislike you but that doesn't supersede
#1." (5/24 Another reference for my online girl friend)
"Oh, I just got off the phone with you at the gas station, how poetic,
pukey, etc. that you would call when I was thinking of you. (Gush, gush,
stab)" (5/24 The ole internet Girl friend again, this was how she shows
her lack of affection.)
"I'm going to write a book about conversations in elevators, it's
going to be blank" (5/25 I.G.F. while we were on an elevator with a couple
of other people, everyone stayed silent even after her idea was proclaimed.)
"You have to go flirt with my girl friend." (Will at a club
referring to his girl friend, 6/22)
"Fukin's fukin.... hog, dog or frog."(7/13 Kirk at work during a
Jen Shepherd: "Nothing here fits me, it's all too big"
Victoria Secret Lady: "Awwww"
Jen Shepherd: "That's okay, he'll just buy me dinner and stuff (pointing
Victoria Secret Lady: "Well, you have to milk it for all it's worth."
Me: "Milk it for all it's worth!?! HA! That's a great pun!"
Victoria Secret Lady: "Ugh, I should have expected that from a man!"
(A conversation at Victoria Secret what I was made out to be the bad guy just
cause the woman made a funny pun and I pointed it out! 9/3/99)
Me: "Did you just make yourself get sick?"
Naughty Mormon: "No!!"
Me: "Good, cause only fat ugly girls should make them selves get sick
after they eat so that they'll die sooner, pretty skinny one's
Naughty Mormon: "That was the meanest nicest thing I've ever heard."
(9/3/99 after eating with the naught Mormon, I thought she may have purged in
Jen Shepherd:"He needed redeeming qualities which you don't have, people
could see why I liked him, after having seen him play in his band, but you
don't have any special think about you so I know I must really love you."
(10-1-99 this is Jen shepherd trying to explain why I'm better then her last
Neal Dickinson: "I was choking and afraid..." (12-30-99 Neal
after he spewed on Keith's floor, he was trying to explain himself and why he
didn't move off the carpet to spew. I was lucky enough to have a camera with me
at the time and took this picture )
Neal Dickinson: "What I burped!?!" (1/??/99 another Neal quote that
has been a long time coming to this page, he said this one after he had puked
in a cab and was trying to say it was a burp, one of the girls that was in the
cab with us and now rather hysterical said something along the lines of,
"that was no burp!!" I was laughing to hard at the time to make a
comment but needless to say we had to get another cab.)
"You know we'd love to burn you what ever you want.... Particularly if
it's the word LOOSER with a butane lighter on your forehead, but if you'd
prefer we burns CDs for you then that's your call." (2/8/00 Bono in an
email after I offered to burn him a copy of a rare CD)
"In the history of man we have not invented enough curses for me to
express how angry I am right now" (me talking to a number of people after
my transmission vomited 2/12/00)
"I love the smell of chloroform, it reminds me of the first time I had
sex" (me in Bio Chem Lab 2/15/00)
Invisible Caller asking political questions: "Which of the following
describes you, African American, Asian American, Hispanic or White?"
Me:"Uhm...none really, I guess I'm sort of white but actually I'm
not white at all, I think peachy would be better."
Invisible Caller asking political questions: "Peach? Uhm..."
Me: "And you know I'm sort of insulted, sure it says AFRICAN American,
ASIAN America, HISPANIC or white... what the heck is white, the other's relate
to a region of origin but white!? What the heck is white!! This brings me to
another point, have you heard of the movie The Limey?"
Invisible Caller asking political questions: "The Limey..uhm...no"
Me: "Do you know what a Limey is?"
Invisible Caller asking political questions: "Uhm...No"
Me: "It's an ethnic slur that degrades the English. Now what do you
suppose would happen if I were to make a movie that was titled a slur that
described another ethnic group that perhaps his a bit more volatile?"
Invisible Caller asking political questions: "Uhm...I don't know"
Me: "Neither do I but I'm sure I'd get holy hell for it...
It's just not right to have politically correct ethnic slurs that some people
find as cute while other's are the gravest of offences."
Invisible Caller asking political questions: "You're right, it's
Me: "Anyway...I'm peach. What's the next question." (4/11/00 tonight
on the phone when an Invisible Caller asking political questions rang and
wanted to get my opinion on matters of state.)
Me: "Will it be fun?"
Jenny: "No.but it will be fulfilling"
Me:"Like making fun of retarded kids?"
Jenny: "Yes, something like that."
(4/24/00 Jenny the Goth girl and I during a phone call referring to her new
Neil: "You were drunk when I got there."
Paul: "I wasn't drunk."
Neil: "Yes you were, you were screaming at people."
Paul: "No, I was just happy."
(5/18 Driving home from Mark's bachelor party discussing Paul's sobriety, or
lack there of through the night.)
"I'd love to respond with witty repartee but I'm to busy puking my guts
out right now." (7/4 Clayton barfing in my bathroom after drinking to
"That is going in my report" (2/20/02 This is my big threat at
work toward anyone that negatively affects me.)
Vinny: "John you are becoming a model employee."
Me: "I've always been a model employee you were just using the wrong
(4/9/02 My boss and I discussing my organization skills)
Jake: "i just spend 5 mins reading some of your eggnog shit. I want
the 5 mins back...."
Me: " thank you."
Me: "It's a great page. You're just closed minded."
Jake: "no... its senseless babble."
(4/26/02 A conversation had between myself and a co-worker in regards to the NOG page.)
"Follow the person to his desk. Figure out where it is in the
building. Then ask maintenance to install an anvil over him. Tie the rope that
supports the anvil to a leprechaun's pot of gold. Then let the Leprechaun know
that you know where the gold is. The leprechaun will instinctively move the pot
of gold and have to untie the rope killing him...and you won't be to blame. "<5/30/02 My method of removing people that prove themselves to be too annoying to live.>
"Do you have any idea how long it took for me to make an animated gif!?!! I'm fucking retarded. The fact that the gif actually played and showed any image at all was pure luck. The fact that it depicted what I wanted it to was on par with monkeys writing Shakespeare."<5/30/02 My response to finding yet another thing I destroyed on my site with Frontpage (tm)>
CHiPs Officer: "Have you boys been drinking today?"
Mike: "Not yet officer."
<7/26/02 While pulled over while driving from the Airport to Mike's house, Mike had expired tags...>
"It's like a god damn pig holocaust." <10/22/02 Brian Flora's comment while looking down at his lunch plate. We were having a particularly high concentration of pork products with the meal, pork chops and bacon mashed potatos.>
Pat: "You should try reading the book of Mormon"
Me:"If I wanted to read science fiction I'd read starwars"<10/24/02 Myself and My boss at the gym discussing religious writings.>
ME: "Sometimes I feel like Willy Wonka in a world filled with
Slugworths" <3/6/03 at work chatting with a co-worker about horrible clients>
Jon Butner: (Little slow, must teach in ten minutes)
me: teach well.
me: Tell them all the worlds a lie and not to listen to anyone.
me: And then at the end of class ask them what you said at the beginning. Fail
anyone that tells you all the worlds a lie and not to listen to anyone.
me: Accuse them of being filled with worms and explain that you hate works.
Exclaim, "I'm no pond fish!"
Jon Butner: The person in my office hours thought that was hilarious
me: thank you.<3/7/03 Myself and Jon Butner chatting about nothing to important.>
Jen Shepherd: I want to have a baby
ME: Pre or Post dingo?
<6/30/03 Jen and I driving to the grocery store.>
Me: Rich, I'm want to be a movie star, can you help me out?
Rich: Yeah, I have the name of a great plastic Surgeon
<7/1/03 Rich and Myself over the cubical wall at work>
Taylor:Why are you doing upgrades?
Me: Because I'm 'super smart'
Taylor: No you're not, if you were 'super smart' you wouldn't use those words
you'd say something like 'Ingenious'
Me: Do you use the term 'super smart'?
<8/30/03 Taylor and I at work discussing how super smart I am and how not super smart he is.>
Anne: "Have you ever been beaten up by a lesbian?"
Anne: "Prepare for a new experience"<12/3/03 Anne, my Tech Lead, and I at work when I was being particularly ...'cute'>
Me: I want a back Rub!
Me:Because I made dinner and cleaned up!
Jen:But what about when I make dinner and clean up?
Me: You can give me a backrub then too.
<4/15/04 After dinner>
ME:I want one of those new fangled chronometers.
Mike: so you can build a sixth dimensional gate?
Me: No, so I can tell what time it is.<6/23/04 Mike and I chatting.>
Me: Just because it is secretary's day does not mean that we are all secretaries.
Duncan: That's what the first shift is, they are secretaries.
Joe: At least the 1st shift women.
Melissa: Joe, We've already established that you have the biggest boobs in the support center so that must make you a secretary.
<04-27-2005 The team and I discussing the role of the support center.>
Stephen: Actually I studied barrel construction for just that kind of a stunt.
<01-27-06 Stephen talking to the team in regards to taking a barrel over Niagara Falls. Proving yet again that he's insane.>
Clayton: My team exceeds all metrics that I measure them on.
<09/22/10 Lunch conversation.>